The Swishing Sound a Blade Makes.

When you hear it, you should flinch.

Jump outta the way.

That's probably the worst sound you could hear.

Your fate has been chosen;

here it comes.

That's what I'm hearing, right now:

Cameron skipped practice,

Cameron's got three F's,

Cameron's got a GPA of 1.6,

Cameron's not drum major any more,

Cameron's missing credits,

Cameron's not going to graduate.

I dunno.

Maybe he needs motivation.

Maybe he needs unrest to operate;

something to repair.

I can't tell if he's hearing the sound,

or if it's already happened.

. . . . .

Could it be both?

Now we have to figure out who the drum major is going to be.

Who's the 'backup'.

Who will take his place.

Like I'm hearing right now,

"We'll find out tomorrow, Cameron."

Tanner just made me realize

we'll all be in the same school,

if he doesn't graduate.

I don't know if if is the right word to use anymore.

My Duty.

I can't tell if what I'm thinking is selfish or not--but,

I feel like I'm doing more work and getting less and less me-time.

I get home, I do the dishes, do my homework, and go to bed.

I get yelled at for being on my computer, talking with my friends,

but I also get yelled at for being out too long, too often.

It's like they miss me.

Do they really?

I hardly ever sleep over anywhere,

and honestly I don't have many man friends here.

So I'm here, most all the time, except for school and maybe a football game or two.

I want to be able to dictate what I do.

And I understand that I have to be here, and that I have a curfew,

but, Jesus; look at my brother,

he gets to do all sorts of shit.

Band leader, sports, friends,

stuff.

My dad wants me to go out for sports so badly.

Am I a sporty type?

I don't think so.

But, still, I'm pressured, even threatened.

"You have to pick a sport, or I will."

What I want to do is drive.

Really the only thing I've ever wanted to do.

But, when I suggest that, I get squashed.

"You'll have to do a lot more around here."

???

I've gotten at least a 3.5 GPA every semester since the 6th grade.

I have no discipline issues.

I've never done drugs, like practically every person I've met.

What I'm trying to say is I've got my shit together.

I'd please any other parent of any other peer of mine.

I mean, hell; Logan Lightsey gets a brand new car with a 2.5 GPA.

I don't want a new car.

I want to drive.

A plausible argument that might be brought up is cost.

I don't have a job.

I don't have any money.

But how much is a sports fee?

How much did it cost for my brother to go to drum major camp?

$87 per month?

I don't know man.

I've been good.

I'd enjoy one perk of being Bailey White.

I don't complain too much in real life, guys.

I apologize if I sound like a whiny bitch.

It's just life as I see it, at the moment.

And, by God, that's what this shit's about!

Finer Things.

Who can I trust?

Well, that's a question with no answer.

It's too bad, really.

I wish I had somebody that I could tell things to.

That responded.

A diary doesn't help me.

A diary shows how pathhetic I am.

A diary is a sorry excuse for a good friend.

I wish I had people.

Well, I do.

And those people let me down.

Time and time again.

So, maybe what I need is no one.

That way, I would have no secrets.

A novel concept.

I'm sure I'm no better than the people I describe.

So, maybe I should change.

Would they give me a chance?

Laws, no.

I can't blame them.

It only takes one slip to embody a person.

Once I mess up, I'm through.

But, I'll learn.

And I'll be that much better for the next person.

Or, if they stick around,

well,

let's just say we'll go places.

Simple trust is better than any material object.

Well,

trust is up there with the finer things:

http://www.sinemaestro.com/uploads/posts/2009-07/1246453044_1968-mustang-fastback-630-75.jpg

Down Here On the Farm.

Ahh, the good life.

Toilets, food and iPods.

Raining from the sky, being everything we want.

We have it pretty good.

We have hospitals,

we have stores,

and we have each other.

It seems that most times, when there's a problem, it's simply created.

To battle our boredom.

I mean, reality TV?

Dating websites?

Viagra?

We're no longer battling smallpox, polio, or even the common cold.

If people die, they die.

Do ants have Viagra?

That would actually be pretty funny.

But, no.

If they break a leg or something, they will most likely die of complications of it.

A bigger problem than us is the energy crisis?

What will happen if we run out of oil???

Honestly, nothing.

The world might get a bit smaller, but people aren't going to start dying off.

There are bigger problems, folks.

Fuck oil; solve AIDs.

There's a problem.

Well, no.

Overpopulation is also a problem.

So it could go either way.

What I mean to say is, the issues today aren't really going to determine the fate of humans.

We have food, we have our health.

What else do we need?

The answer to the question?

Flip on your TV.

There's an infomercial to show you what you need.

Because life's gonna be hell without your damn ShamWow.

:P

Horrible Hindsight.

I got her.

I almost gave up, but I got her.

She really wanted me, turns out.

I never knew.

I never knew love.

This was love, at it's best.

I loved her, she loved me.

The rest of the world faded away.

Sank into nothingness.

There was only us,

each other.

Others butted in,

but I shooed them away.

I took away everything from her,

everything that I didn't like.

I changed her,

made her my own.

She'd do anything for me.

She'd move mountains,

mow over those in her way.

For a good cause, though.

Love, at it's finest.

We made vows,

speculations,

of what our lives would be,

together, for eternity.

But, I've got cold feet.

No bells are ringing, though.

I see what I have,

and am hit by what I don't.

She's my best friend.

She's my world.

If I lost her, I'd lose everything.

But I don't know what's worse;

putting her through this,

or leaving her.

I love her,

I think.

I'm not who she is,

the loyal, experienced being.

I need experience.

I need to know what I have is the best.

What I had.

I might never get her back.

I'd know exactly what I need,

but I would have lost it,

lost it to my fear,

my virginity.

Nothing is nice, anymore.

No route leads to happiness

without passing through pain and suffering.

Nothing is bliss.

Like the love I once knew.

The love I once yearned for,

that I could not have.

I'm just a boy,

bored with his new toy.

I've forgotten the novelty.

What it is to be in love.

She knows.

I envy her.

I envy her knowing,

her assurance.

I want to give her the world,

but I cannot,

simply because I don't know what I have.

The gift.

How good my love is.

I'd do anything.

I'd give my life to feel this love

I once knew.

I'm sorry, my Taylor,

please excuse my forgetfulness.

I know I love you,

but I cannot prove it.

I'm sorry.

But know, dear,

when I say you'll be with me,

at my end,

I mean it.

If I can't guarantee anything,

I can give you that.

I know I've done you wrong,

including right now,

but you deserve nothing like this.

You deserve loyalty

and assurance,

from the one you love most.

Give me time, honey.

I'm still learning.

Nobody For Miles...

My parents are in Cooperstown, NY with Tanner for a baseball-thingy. They're coming back Friday and until then, Cameron and I get to laze around our house, doing practically nothing. It's fun, because we get to do things like, not put anything away, take showers at 3 and scream obsecenities at the top of our lungs. Well, just me, for the last one, anyway. It's a little peek into the bachelor's life I would live. I haven't eaten anything hot for three days, and it's a FUCKING pigsty in here. It's nothing I don't want, though. No parents to run away from or to negotiate with; it's just about the best week ever.

To Fall in Love.

If I could ever do something a million times, and then a million times again, I'd fall in love. Not to be in love, to fall in love. Goint day to day, I see the interactions between people, and every so often, I'll see the sparkle and grin of someone, looking at another. That feeling, that feeling of joy and want, it without a doubt the greatest thing in the world. Even if it doesn't last, even if it blows up in your face twenty minutes later, the brief time that you felt it, you could just remember, and remember how it is. There are bad times, but falling in love is most definetly the best. Like how you rarely have terrible times, this is a treat in itself.