Horrible Hindsight.

I got her.

I almost gave up, but I got her.

She really wanted me, turns out.

I never knew.

I never knew love.

This was love, at it's best.

I loved her, she loved me.

The rest of the world faded away.

Sank into nothingness.

There was only us,

each other.

Others butted in,

but I shooed them away.

I took away everything from her,

everything that I didn't like.

I changed her,

made her my own.

She'd do anything for me.

She'd move mountains,

mow over those in her way.

For a good cause, though.

Love, at it's finest.

We made vows,

speculations,

of what our lives would be,

together, for eternity.

But, I've got cold feet.

No bells are ringing, though.

I see what I have,

and am hit by what I don't.

She's my best friend.

She's my world.

If I lost her, I'd lose everything.

But I don't know what's worse;

putting her through this,

or leaving her.

I love her,

I think.

I'm not who she is,

the loyal, experienced being.

I need experience.

I need to know what I have is the best.

What I had.

I might never get her back.

I'd know exactly what I need,

but I would have lost it,

lost it to my fear,

my virginity.

Nothing is nice, anymore.

No route leads to happiness

without passing through pain and suffering.

Nothing is bliss.

Like the love I once knew.

The love I once yearned for,

that I could not have.

I'm just a boy,

bored with his new toy.

I've forgotten the novelty.

What it is to be in love.

She knows.

I envy her.

I envy her knowing,

her assurance.

I want to give her the world,

but I cannot,

simply because I don't know what I have.

The gift.

How good my love is.

I'd do anything.

I'd give my life to feel this love

I once knew.

I'm sorry, my Taylor,

please excuse my forgetfulness.

I know I love you,

but I cannot prove it.

I'm sorry.

But know, dear,

when I say you'll be with me,

at my end,

I mean it.

If I can't guarantee anything,

I can give you that.

I know I've done you wrong,

including right now,

but you deserve nothing like this.

You deserve loyalty

and assurance,

from the one you love most.

Give me time, honey.

I'm still learning.

Nobody For Miles...

My parents are in Cooperstown, NY with Tanner for a baseball-thingy. They're coming back Friday and until then, Cameron and I get to laze around our house, doing practically nothing. It's fun, because we get to do things like, not put anything away, take showers at 3 and scream obsecenities at the top of our lungs. Well, just me, for the last one, anyway. It's a little peek into the bachelor's life I would live. I haven't eaten anything hot for three days, and it's a FUCKING pigsty in here. It's nothing I don't want, though. No parents to run away from or to negotiate with; it's just about the best week ever.

To Fall in Love.

If I could ever do something a million times, and then a million times again, I'd fall in love. Not to be in love, to fall in love. Goint day to day, I see the interactions between people, and every so often, I'll see the sparkle and grin of someone, looking at another. That feeling, that feeling of joy and want, it without a doubt the greatest thing in the world. Even if it doesn't last, even if it blows up in your face twenty minutes later, the brief time that you felt it, you could just remember, and remember how it is. There are bad times, but falling in love is most definetly the best. Like how you rarely have terrible times, this is a treat in itself.

Beyond the Curtian.

Below it, there is nothing.

Beyond it are only thoughts.

An idea.

There are people beyond that curtian.

They will catch you when you fall through,

when you pull it out from under you.

Nobody will catch you,

Nobody is there.

Everybody you think is there,

is watching you fall,

into your own pit.

Not knowing what's beneath you,

good or bad,

you grab the ragged walls,

and hoist yourself back,

to the surface,

to what is known,

back to what you have.

When, in reality,

the hole is a new beginning,

another place, another time.

But you will wonder,

time after time,

if there are people at the bottom,

waiting for you.

You know, however,

that you couldn't go back,

back to the top,

to what you had.

All that is stopping you,

is hindsight,

that hasn't yet been known.

Because you know,

"You don't know what you've got,

'till it's gone."

Their World is On Fire.

You know them. They hardly say positive things. They always have something to cry about. I've become close with a few people of this type....and it just baffles me. What am I supposed to do with them? They think everything I say is an attack, and that I have no idea what they're going through. Well, I do, and damn it, I want to help you. I can't help you if you always talk in the third person and cry your eyes out everytime you go to sleep. You can make it better, but all I can do is help. The happiness is inside you, and it's up to YOU to bring it out. All I can do is give you a rough idea of where it is.

Human Networking.

My social life. My social life is very miniscule, at best, for reasons I've created. For starters, I'm a jerk to people who I deem ignorant. The girls that talk in their high pitched voices, wearing three pounds of makeup and constantly rebutting with the simple and uneffective "Shut up!" Some of these people, I've noticed, seem to TRY to be stupid. It baffles me. They laugh at their careless mistakes and at their general misfourtune. Sometimes it makes me wonder if these people are actually who they claim to be. Logan Lightsey, who I've immortialized in words above, could easily be a robot, seeing herself, and relating to the people that are laughing AT her. Either this, or she's adopted an amazingly low standard for self-esteem.
Things like this happen with a great many of the people I meet. I find a problem, and decide I cannot spend my time with that person based simply on that problem. I have few friends, I will say. I have about four people that I can talk to, but three of them are lucky to see me twice a month, because they go to different schools and have various things to do thatt don't involve me. I only have one person that I can consult with. I don't become mortal enemies with EVERYONE, just most of the people that I spend my time with. I KNOW lots of people, but usually never spend very much time with them, just because it would be a new thing, and I would have no particualr desire to do so anyway. For example; my baseball team. I doubt I would talk to any of them in real life situations because of all the differences we have, including not having classes together, not being in the same clique, etc.ut we have a common interest that brings us all together: baseball. We have practices, games, team outings, and at all these events, we talk to each other. We chat about school, games, girls and anything else we can find common ground in.
So basically, if you're forced into a group, it will probably not work out too well. No common interests, different levels of desire, etc. But, if you get together to do something that you'd enjoy, it'd be great, because you'd already have things in common. You have to do quite a bit less socializing to wring thoughts and ideas out of somebody. You start with what you know, and then you start to break new ground, and discover what you can get away with before the person starts secretly mocking you and thinking you're a robot.

The Man, His Machine.

Volvo 240. A car for the man professor. A car for the man with a lot of shit to carry. A man who cannot afford things that go zoom, that cannot afford a car that will boost his sex appeal. The car, for a man...


....who can't drive yet.


Not that one, but there is a Volvo station wagon in my driveway, waiting to drive 500,000 miles to the ends of the Earth. Waiting to resist a 55 mph imact with a concrete wall, and drive away. Yes folks, it will someday be mine. All 114 hp. Rawr. Somebody needs to call Niels Wetzel, cause I'M in town. His '71 Porsche 914 is about to get told. Just like Harrison Ford in American Graffiti. Except I hope I don't wreck and have my girlfriend get pissed at me. Unlike Mr. Ford, though, My Volvo will drive away, and we will get our revenge in the long run...