Foiled Again.

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know why these things keep happening.

Maybe it's the company I keep.

Or the fact that I keep no company.

I can't have anything I want without destroying something else.

And it's not even my fault.

I'm just me.

I've become this horrible thing,

everyone hates me because

I'm the 'bad guy'.

When things go wrong, it's my doing.

But it's not.

I didn't do this.

She did.

She would leave everything, everyone for me.

And everyone knew that.

So I turned into the enemy.

And I still am.

She'll only have me if she wants to lose everything else.

And she doesn't.

Jesus Christ.

This is on of those times

when you can have everything.

There's no need to purge.

I just want her to be here.

I don't want to ruin everything.

She left me, and I think no worse of anyone else.

And I know I've made mistakes.

But they aren't mistakes if they don't happen again.

It shouldn't be this hard.

It shouldn't be this hard, for her.

Why can't she have me and everything else?

I'm not preventing anything.

I'm sorry if all of you hate me.

I'm doing the best I can.

She should able to be with me and retain everything else.

Because I know I'm not worth it

if being with me means I'm all she gets.

Dancing With Myself.

There's good in everything.

After the initial events,

the rest seem good.

You have to go through pain

to get good.

I wanted to fall in love again,

and by God I have.

And it's exactly like it used to be;

a distance between everything.

So many hurdles to clear to get where I want to go.

But this isn't like Twister,

it isn't awkward,

it's natural.

Nobody's worth more;

only a few are worth less.

I've arrived at the place I wanted to go.

I'm single, but not alone.

I'm not close to anyone,

so no one can break me down.

I'm invincible.

I'm new.

I'm Bailey White, God damn it;

fear me.

The Departed.

Tim Bruder is no longer.

He died in his sleep last Saturday,

and was not there yesterday.

I did not know him very well,

but I always held him in the highest regard.

Even while cracking jokes in the back of the room.

I'd always do what he wanted,

even if I didn't know how to do it.

He had a silent knowledge about him,

first assuming we knew,

then stepping in with his encyclopedic knowledge.

He was forgetful,

at times he was uninvolved,

but it was because he believed in us.

It was because he trusted us.

Even if we were the scruffiest bunch in the school,

he trusted that we'd do the right thing.

And if we didn't,

he'd rewind the tapes,

and smack us down.

Verbally, of course.

And even know he's only said my name 4 times,

I'll miss him.

I'll miss him dearly.

Because he represented my favorite part of school.

Auto shop.

-----

But that's not enough tragedy for one day.

My wonderful Taylor is now elsewhere.

With another man.

Giving her love to him.

And it's all my fault.

I put a stranglehold on her.

And she longed for freedom.

And that's what she got.

She got away from me.

I lost the greatest thing in my life.

Out of the great love we shared,

all that's left for me is anger.

And memories.

We traveled together,

we slept together,

we put trust in each other.

But, the emphasis was too great.

She became resentful,

because she was my only priority.

Everything had slipped away,

and only she was there.

For me, that was everything I wanted.

I wanted to be seen with her.

I wanted my kids to be like her.

I wanted the security of her,

to show that I was not hopeless,

that I could have another in my life,

and that it could work.

But,

that was shattered.

All we had is now gone.

Replaced with resentment and disdain.

All she can give me now is her appearance.

Her glowing face,

and wonderful smile.

But I know it's not for me.

She doesn't smile because of me.

She doesn't smile for me.

She smiles for her freedom.

She smiles for the present.

She smiles for doing what she's done.

And there's no turning back.

I'm not at the top any longer.

I've fallen into the sea of everybody else.

But I know,

that she loved me once,

and as I drift in the sea,

in the sea of everyone,

I wonder,

if that will be enough for her to love me again.

I have a lifetime ahead of me.

But maybe not.

In the words of my stroke-plagued P.E. teacher,

"Tomorrow is promised to no one."

If I can never have her again,

I will always have the memories.

And hopefully,

in time,

she can be mine again.

And we can share the time,

knowing that we're good for each other.

Knowing that nothing can ever break

true love.

The Desert.

I would enjoy the desert.

The desert would be nice.

In the desert, cold can't hurt;

only at night.

In the desert, I'd be alone,

without a map, without a phone,

but the desert would be nice,

because of the warmth that sets it's price.

In the desert, there would be sorrow,

there would be loneliness,

but there would be a certain homeliness

promised by tomorrow.

I am alone,

all by myself,

braving the unknown,

in very bad health.

I have grown old,

she has grown cold,

If only I had been told,

Our love would not have been sold.

She kept me warm,

she set the norm,

She was the light,

on my blackest nights.

Now we have to forget,

the memories,

all we've made,

together.

She's moved on,

but not I.

I have a little while longer

before I move to the desert.

The place of warmth.

The only place where loneliness and happiness

coexist.

"I love her so,

I can't let her go.

I looove you,

OOH, baby I love you!"

Swift, Abrupt and Devastating.

Well, it's arrived.

Judgement day.

The end of all days.

After days of losses,

days of anger,

days of angst,

we've parted.

The eternal flame

has been extinguished.

The flame that burnt so bright,

the flame that led the way,

the flame that prevailed,

has been snuffed.

The warmth is now absent.

The cold is seeping to my bones.

I must depart,

seek warmth,

broaden my horizons.

But,

if the flame returns,

if a bonfire ensues,

believe me,

I will be back

in it's arms once again.

But, for now,

I must go.

Seek the warmth

that a flame can provide.

The Swishing Sound a Blade Makes.

When you hear it, you should flinch.

Jump outta the way.

That's probably the worst sound you could hear.

Your fate has been chosen;

here it comes.

That's what I'm hearing, right now:

Cameron skipped practice,

Cameron's got three F's,

Cameron's got a GPA of 1.6,

Cameron's not drum major any more,

Cameron's missing credits,

Cameron's not going to graduate.

I dunno.

Maybe he needs motivation.

Maybe he needs unrest to operate;

something to repair.

I can't tell if he's hearing the sound,

or if it's already happened.

. . . . .

Could it be both?

Now we have to figure out who the drum major is going to be.

Who's the 'backup'.

Who will take his place.

Like I'm hearing right now,

"We'll find out tomorrow, Cameron."

Tanner just made me realize

we'll all be in the same school,

if he doesn't graduate.

I don't know if if is the right word to use anymore.

My Duty.

I can't tell if what I'm thinking is selfish or not--but,

I feel like I'm doing more work and getting less and less me-time.

I get home, I do the dishes, do my homework, and go to bed.

I get yelled at for being on my computer, talking with my friends,

but I also get yelled at for being out too long, too often.

It's like they miss me.

Do they really?

I hardly ever sleep over anywhere,

and honestly I don't have many man friends here.

So I'm here, most all the time, except for school and maybe a football game or two.

I want to be able to dictate what I do.

And I understand that I have to be here, and that I have a curfew,

but, Jesus; look at my brother,

he gets to do all sorts of shit.

Band leader, sports, friends,

stuff.

My dad wants me to go out for sports so badly.

Am I a sporty type?

I don't think so.

But, still, I'm pressured, even threatened.

"You have to pick a sport, or I will."

What I want to do is drive.

Really the only thing I've ever wanted to do.

But, when I suggest that, I get squashed.

"You'll have to do a lot more around here."

???

I've gotten at least a 3.5 GPA every semester since the 6th grade.

I have no discipline issues.

I've never done drugs, like practically every person I've met.

What I'm trying to say is I've got my shit together.

I'd please any other parent of any other peer of mine.

I mean, hell; Logan Lightsey gets a brand new car with a 2.5 GPA.

I don't want a new car.

I want to drive.

A plausible argument that might be brought up is cost.

I don't have a job.

I don't have any money.

But how much is a sports fee?

How much did it cost for my brother to go to drum major camp?

$87 per month?

I don't know man.

I've been good.

I'd enjoy one perk of being Bailey White.

I don't complain too much in real life, guys.

I apologize if I sound like a whiny bitch.

It's just life as I see it, at the moment.

And, by God, that's what this shit's about!