Failure of Competition.

I, suck.
I am mediocre.
And I see this because I value competition so highly.
There are ump-ton billions of people who can do anything I do, better.
And what does it matter?
Why do I need to be here, if someone can do what I do better?
If someone knows more,
if someone can do something faster,
if someone has a greater amount of accuracy,
then why should I try?


Not many are going to get 100%.
I don't get 100%.
I know many people who get better grades than I do.
Most other people.
And I don't know how they do it.
I don't know how they motivate themselves, 
I don't know how they perfect themselves.
I want to be good at everything.
I want to put forth the effort.
I want to do well.
Everyone says I do well at stuff,
but really?
How am I going to go to college?
How am I going to get the things I want?


I don't know.
I have a wonderful girl.
She's different from all the rest.
She's smart,
she's brilliant
she cares,
she's different.
She's good at all the things I want to be good at.
And she can't help me a single note.
It's not her fault, though;
it's mine.
I resent her wonderfulness.
I resent the fact that I don't understand,
that I can't be her.
I love her,
I need her,
and I foresee myself spending the see-able future with her.


I have to develop myself, first.
And I can't be who I will be with anyone's help.
I'll be the only one to determine what I am, who I'll be.


Easier said then done, though.
Just gotta thread the needle.