Limited Visibility.

First off, don't get the wrong idea.
I'm gonna write things here, and you're gonna get distressed.
It's just your nature.
I don't have friends that I can do this to,
because those friends would be of a.....female nature.
And I've tried to end those relationships, no matter how shallow.
Anyway; onto business.

Who do people talk to when they can't talk to someone.
In your head, you just thought of various religious things.
Either they've got a big white beard, 
or they're on the other side of the small wooden booth.
I haven't got anyone, or anything like that.


I'm just here.
I've got people who I'm very close to,
but some things offend everyone.
I'm not a perfect fit to anyone.
Nobody is.
I just wish there was someone who could take in everything I am
without thinking I'm throwing daggers at them.

I'm like a rock.
Some of my sides are smooth and well-developed,
and others are jagged and primitive.

I don't know what I am.
And I really don't know where I'm going.
I don't know what I want,
I don't know anything.


But who does?
Mr. Lucido?
Ms. Spangenburg?
I'm more of a Catcher in the Rye type.
Except I have a backbone,
I know what I don't want to be.


I want to attend a speed-dating service
that shows me what I can be.
Get a 5 minute look into what kind of person I'd be,
anywhere, with any set of choices.
You say I have potential,
which isn't really a compliment.
It's an observation.
Tell me if I'm doing it right.
Tell me what will go sour if I'm not.


I'm wasting my valuable time.
I'll drive 90 miles an hour
if it means I'll get 10 more minutes.
10 fewer dollars,
10 more minutes.
Isn't that a fair price?
Ask anyone
crossing the River Styx.


I should be a jerk.
I should be selfish.
But I should let people into my life.
My life just corrodes people, though.
I need to be swept away.
I need a stronger drink
than the one I'm mixing.


I'm looking ahead,
lining myself up for the future,
but I'm making a terrible mess of now.
I don't want to be married.
I don't want to test drive one car.
It doesn't mean love is flimsy,
it's just early.


After promises are destroyed once,
what makes them impervious to destruction once more?
And you damn well better not cry.
I'm not leaving.
I'm not making decisions.
I need to talk.
I need to debate the things that make you sad.
I can hide them,
but I can't erase them.


Let me write this letter
and cast it into the deep, forgotten void of the internet.
It's better that someone else, it seems.

eBay.

It's where I sell stuff,

and it gives me good reason to take awesome pictures.

Strength.

I don't even know what I need.
I don't know what anything is any more.
I can't rock the boat,
because she's made of glass.

I want something to love,
I want to know what to love.
I need magnetism.
I need that....craving.

Too often,
I just skim the surface.
I want to swim beneath, it its depths,
but only when it ceases to be black.

Pull me beneath,
show me the way;
we both try,
and yet we both fail.

Can we be helped?
I don't know.
Can we be stopped?



....I don't think so.

For One Million Years.

I will wonder
what would have been.
How it would have worked,
how things could have been.


Jesus Christ, 
just get out of my head.
Stay out of my dreams.
You told me what you want.
Your presence
hurts the people around me.


Let me go!
I have to go!